Can you keep a secret?

There are things one is not supposed to talk about. They make people uncomfortable, even if they are true. What I'm about to say is one of those things. It's supposed to be a secret, but I'm in a secret-busting mood tonight, so read on at your own peril.

Simply put, and this is particularly true for men, a large amount of weight is a sign of power. You may be appalled by how your body looks, but, secretly, being heavy means you are stable, immovable, and impossible to ignore. You may not be able to move fast, but just let anyone or anything try to move you. It's a form of dominance, a kind of constant self-advertisement. A large man walks into a room and everyone looks.

And it's easy. You don't have to put a lot of energy into gaining weight. Quite the opposite, actually. Every other change that you can effect in your body requires some effort, but becoming heavy is as easy as body transformation gets.

I know about this because I've fallen into this trap myself. I was involved in a fitness study when I was in my late twenties. At the time, I was biking a minimum of 100 miles a month, I was training for and running in 10K's and some longer distances. I was lifting weights two or three times a week. I weighed in at 155 pounds. Over the years, I've gained and lost, but I've never returned to that sub-160 weight range, even though I know it's an absolutely healthy weight for me. Why? Because I always got razzed about my slim build and lack of any visible body fat. The "real men" gave me stupid nicknames like "skinny" and "little guy". People discounted all the hard work I did on my health and fitness, telling me I must have a high metabolism.

Fast forward to the last three years or so. I got on the scale one day and found that I was at 190 pounds for the first time in my life. I was shocked, but I must confess I was a little thrilled that I had so much mass. I was now "significant". I hated the way I looked, but the number "190 pounds" was somehow exciting.

So, in one of my earlier posts, I did some calculations about what I would weigh if I lost 17 pounds of body fat. I think the final number was 166 pounds. Well, my first reaction when I saw that number was, "I can't weigh 166 pounds. It's too light." Of course, I will probably gain a few pounds of lean mass from all the work I've been doing (at least I hope so), so my final weight will probably be higher than that. But the fact that seeing that number in print affected me so tells me that I've been "seduced by the fat side". In other words, I've somehow decided I need to weigh some minimum amount or I will be inadequate.

One of the heaviest men I ever met is also the one I recall talking about his weight the most. He was a co-worker in my previous job and he always said he needed to lose some weight, but he never seemed to. He was a weight lifter. One day, someone came into the office and asked his advice about doing some distance running along with their weight lifting. He said that distance running would make one look old before their time and that people with extremely low body fat, like distance runners, were usually bony and unattractive looking. Keep in mind he said this while I was sitting there!

So, there it is, the dirty secret. Some people weigh more than they should because it's the only way they can achieve significance, to stand out from the crowd, to feel powerful.

If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have let that 155 pound body slip away. Whatever else comes of this Body for Life challenge, I know my attitude about myself and my body has been changed forever.

Good lower body workout today! I don't think I officially hit any tens, but my form was good and I felt the reps a lot more than usual. I also fixed the exercise bike tonight, so I am ready to ride again tomorrow.